how do i make this happen?
am i really lazy?
or is it something else?
it feels like something else
but it probably is just laziness
it’s just that when i get to a point like this, it just feels like there’s no return
it’s a point of no return
for me i either do it on time and well or don’t do it at all
but maybe that’s the wrong approach
right now i just feel like i want to move on
but if i don’t get good grades i know that i’m going to be mad at myself and just want to drop out again
i wonder if i just keep switching schools to start over and have a fresh record again
that idea of a blank slate is just so appealing to me
how can i appeal to that part of me without physically changing my location?
i have a problem
i put everything off
and then usually just do nothing about it
that’s really just not acceptable
why can’t i be more like bryan’s brother?
super studious
constantly working
shit what have i done to myself
can i really keep using this ‘my grandfathers dying’ excuse?
yeah probably not
especially since he’s not even dead yet
for once though i’m actually doing well in math
so that’s a first
and have turned in all my assignments for italian
it’s philosophy and environmental studies that are weighing me down
i guess there’s just not enough structure for me in those classes
am i really going to write this essay?
when and how?
i’m just having trouble picturing it
and that scares me
i guess i’ve sort of checked out
all i want to focus on now are exams and packing
those loom biggest in my mind right now
i sort of just want to let go of everything else
i don’t know what to do right now
i’m really upset
and i don’t know what about
the not knowing really frustrates me
because i want someone to help me but i don’t know how to tell them whats wrong and what they can do to help me
i feel like i really am genuinely happy sometimes
i feel though that i need some confirmation that everyone else is happy too
that everyone else still feels the same way about me as i do about them
because sometimes i have my doubts
right now i just can’t concentrate
it’s just not going to happen
so i suppose that time would be better spent working on something else
rather than just sleeping
which was my initial instinct
i miss home
i miss my friends
i miss last year so so much
it was so great
why can’t life always be like that?
it’s as if every three or four years i have one good year
so does that mean that now i have to wait another four years for something good to happen?
why is that fair?
things could be more unfair
but it still feels unfair
i wish i didn’t have access to a tv like i do right now
i feel like that could really help with my productivity
right now i just feel overloaded for me
i know it’s like nothing to other people
but it’s a lot for me
i guess what bothers me is having a bunch of things that i do sort of well instead of a few things that i’m really invested in and care about
something about that needs to change
my attitude needs to change
i just need to let go and work with what i have
appreciate what i have
use it to my advantage
look at everything with a positive glare
as opposed to negative
i can’t do anything right
i try to help and i end up just making things worse
i can’t do anything
so where do that leave me?
what am i doing?
am i doing the right thing?
if i have doubts maybe i’m not
but do i really have doubts?
and if i say i don’t am i avoiding the truth?
i just don’t like the drugs and the drinking and i guess that he was at a concert and had all these cool experiences
and i’m just here doing nothing
i have nothing to do
i hate it
it really upsets me
and i guess i’ve been avoiding it
trying to convince myself that it’s okay
that everything’s okay here
but it’s not
i hate it
i can’t be here anymore
i don’t want to be here anymore
i’m so unhappy it makes me cry
should i make another counseling appointment?
i don’t think the lady likes me so probably not
i’m just feeling really frustrated because i feel stuck
i feel like i’m stuck here
and i really don’t ike it
GET ME OUT OF HERE
please
and i don’t like bryan talking about all these drug things
maybe i’d feel differently if we were talking face to face
but we’re not so it makes me feel uncomfortable
i just felt like i needed to rant for a moment
otherwise my head was going to explode
i want to get christine out of here now
maybe i’d actually feel more comfortable without her
especially now that i’ve sort of established myself
now that i think about it:
perhaps i would even be a better student if i had someone working alongside me
such as bryan
someone to help me along the way
keep pushing me
but only as much as i asked for :)
he’s so perfect
it feels like the one thing in my life that makes me smile when i think of him
maybe with a permanent “study buddy” i wouldn’t just skip papers like i did with plato
or drop out of classes like i did with islam
it would make me a saner and healthier person
i know it would
i think that i would be able to take more advantage of what loyola has to offer than what’s here
i could have more of a social life
and more things to declare as “the best part about loyola”
i don’t know what to fucking do with myself
i feel so
i can’t even figure out how i’m feeling
i guess worthless
helpless
i feel like i’m losing everyone and everything around me
is it my fault?
is it all my fault?
it usually is so that would make sense
but i just can’t take this anymore
i need to get out of this place
it isn’t working for me
nothing works for me
i just don’t even know what to do with myself
bryan talking about suicide makes me almost consider that
but i know i couldn’t
and i won’t
him though i’m not so sure about
what would i do if i didn’t have him??
i need him
he’s my best friend
and the only person ever who really truly gets me
and knows everything about me
i’m not sure i could have another relationship like that again
it’s just too rare an occurrence that two people can be so attracted to one another and feel such love for each other as we do
or at least that’s how i feel on my end
lately everything has just been so up and down
like i think it was just yesterday when we were being all cutesy and love-dovey
and it was nice because we hadn’t had that in a while
he’s been so down and upset and frustrated and stressed out and i was okay up until this week and now i’m all those same things too
i don’t even know if i really have a good reason to be having these feelings
but i do
i think maybe that i’m just always depressed
and that it only comes out when i really stress myself out to the extreme
i just want to have what we had last year
will that ever be possible again?
maybe i’m just dreaming in thinking that once we’re together again, actually living together
that things will go back to where they were
where they’re supposed to be
they need to be in that place because that is when we are both at our happiest.
i want happiness again
i miss it
i’m just feeling confused
i’m not sure why confused is the right word
but it sits well it my brain so i suppose it works
do i really want to get out of here?
or do i just want to be with bryan?
do i even want to be in college?
i’m sort of not feeling college right now
i always thought college would be amazing but maybe not for us introvert types who just need our boyfriends
is it bad that i can’t seem to function without him?
i don’t think so
i did college once before and this is in fact better than that time
i think though that he gives me even more strength and confidence
i don’t feel dumb when i’m around his friends
sometimes when we’re in groups here i just feel like an idiot
i might not actually be one
but i just feel pathetic
so what do i do?
i don’t htink that my parents would mind me being at maryland
i used to be more confident about this whole transferring thing
but since my mom got upset about me being in new orleans i’m more scared of my parents again
i hate that i’m scared of them
it’s so dumb
they’re the ones that are supposed to be scared of me
i just feel confused
my head feels confused
help please
i don’t know what i’m doing here
i’m so up and down and i just hate that
it’s one of the things i just can’t deal with
right now
or at all
but probably especially righ tnow
i’m not proud of myself when i’m like this
but it seems to just ocme out of nowhere
or at least to me it feels that way
sometimes i guess i’m just feeling extra emotional
and i suppose that’s how i am right now
but this sucks
i don’t like it
i don’t know where i want to be
i guess that i just want to be with bryan
but would i feel less embarassed about following him around and being friends with his friends?
i suppose that it is a different situation
but then i worry that other people will find it annoying that we’re always together
and that we come in a pair
i have fun here
but it’s getting old
i have to stop following her around
it’s not fair to her
i thought that having a roomate would be easier
but now there are all these other nuances i wasn’t expecting and i miss my single at vermont
not vermont
just my single room
because i can isolate myself just as easily in my own room
i’m unhappy
we need food in our room
i feel comfortable here
but then there are some times when i just feel completely lost
and out of place
it’s a common theme in my life:
being lost and out of place
“like a fish out of water”
lame but true
i miss the security of my high school friends
even though they drove me crazy i still miss that
and it’s not like this hasn’t happened to me before
it was just that the other times i sort of shrugged it off as being the environment i was in
but now i think that i’m in the right environment
i’m just still not fitting in
i don’t feel depressed
i feel repressed
this is supposed to be my year of freedom before college
and all of a sudden i’m feeling trapped into a schedule
much like how high school felt
i loved october
in the beginning when i had so much freedom
it started off with maybe too much but then i started working
and at that point working was good
but now it is conflicting with my life
i want to have a life and work is impeding upon that dream
i work until seven some nights
i take on other jobs
my problem is that i feel guilty if i don’t say yes to my clients and my employer
i feel chained to my work
and i don’t like it
my philosophy is that if i feel that it is a struggle to get up and go then it is not worth it
i want to enjoy this year not feel trapped
the question then is:
do i give up some of my work to feel released
or just forge ahead through it
i only have about three more months of this
and then it’s summer break
my problem is that when people ask me to do something i feel compelled to oblige
it’s sort of becoming a problem
all i want to do is please
but in the process i hurt myself
so what do i do?
is it worth it for me to push myself out the door everyday to do something that feels a bit like a burden at this point?
i feel heavily conflicted and at a loss
i feel that it’s necessary to confide in my mom
but then again i’m worried that all she’s going to tell me is that i made a commitment and that now i have to stick with it
which in the end is probably true and the way to go
if i ever do begin to feel more heavily stressed out then i have to know in my mind that it is absolutely necessary that i take action
because i already know what it feels like to try and live through that
it doesn’t work
